Angels Among Us: My Half Experience

Thanks to those 23 hour road trips to Utah from Houston that my family took on a regular basis, I have a special place in my heart for the music of Alabama and Neil Diamond. How can you be a true Texan and not love "If you're gonna play in Texas, you gotta have a fiddle in the band"?

So rosin up that bow!

Sorry, I'm getting a little carried away. Anyway, I love that song but my absolute favorite song of Alabama's is "Angles Among Us".

You're just gonna have to listen to it.

So there I was, about mile 10 of the American Fork Half Marathon. My body was screaming at me to stop, but I was screaming back "heck no!". It's a really weird experience when you're only 3 miles away from the finish. At least for me it was. It's really kind of hard to focus your mind on a smooth train of thought. All you're really thinking about is when the end will come. I was getting so desperate that I started to imagine myself crossing the finish line with a crowd of people cheering me on. Any distraction you can find, helps you to forget about the pain momentarily. Maybe you run through the sprinklers on the side of the road.

I was in this hazy state of mind, constantly on the verge of giving up and walking when I saw a sign that read, "Angels Among Us".

I instantly thought of Madie. Encouraging words entered my mind. I was probably a little out of it from all of the pain and exhaustion, but I had a little conversation with Madie in my head. We talked about memories we shared from high school. She laughed often. I can't say that those thoughts came from Madie. One glance down at the ground to see my shadow running alone brought me back to reality. Madie wasn't with me physically, but I don't doubt that she helped me finish that race. There are angels among us. 

Pre-race photo

We finished!! :)

I am so grateful for the cameraman that got this shot!! HAHAHA...
I was getting ready for the pose in the next pic.

The scripture that I will have on my mission plaque:

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

What you value is what you do. What does your life say about your values?

I had a truly eye opening experience last night. 

This week, I have found focusing on important things and doing the things that I know I should very difficult. It was like a constant battle raging between my heart and mind. I had felt so diligent on Monday but everything was downhill from there. I estimate that I spent around 4 hours a day on facebook or the internet. While it has always been important to me to keep in touch with family and friends hundreds of miles away, I knew that this was an unhealthy habit and that it was hindering my progress in many ways. 

I wasn't practicing. 

I wasn't studying the scriptures like a soon to be missionary should.

I sometimes rushed out the door without saying my prayers. 

I even skipped class which I honestly do very seldom.

Almost surprisingly, I felt disconnected from the world around me. 

I felt lost in my own world of confusion and fear pertaining to the future ahead of me. 

Let's just say, it wasn't good.

So in desperation last night, I sought the answer to my problem. I thought to turn to a book that I had recently purchased. I had only made it a chapter in but I knew that it was a book that would help me.

LIGHT BULB!!

http://deseretbook.com/Living-Your-Covenants-Every-Day-Jennifer-Brinkerhoff-Platt/i/5097800

As I turned the pages excitedly, I found my questions being answered.

Just so you know, Sister Platt gave me permission to write about her book, even quote it!

In chapter 2, Sister Platt talks about the little things that we do every day and how they reflect what we value in life. Maybe your actions aren't in line with what you value. "Claiming to value something then doing nothing about it creates dissonance, discouragement, and discontentment. The opposite is true for acting on our desires. When you consistently act in achieving your righteous desires, you will feel peace, happiness, and contentment."

Based off the studies of Dr. Barbara Fiese, she discusses how we can ritualize our daily activities. The three elements of a ritual according to Dr. Fiese include, preparation, participation, and reminiscence.

To me, preparation is simply directing your thoughts to the WHY of what you do.

For example, I practice the viola because I want to improve and because my ultimate goal is to teach music (I want others to experience the joy that I have felt through music). In a spiritual sense, I practice the viola because I believe that the spirit can be felt through music.

Participation is the HOW of what we do.

How do I practice? I have to constantly be sure that my practice is productive. While I practice, I am considering how I can make my practicing more productive. Am I using my talents to help build the kingdom of God?

Reminiscence is the SO WHAT of what we do.

What has changed because I practiced? Have I improved?

So, today.

I woke up at 7:15 because I value arising early.

I went for a 30 minute run because I value health and preparation (running the American Fork Half-Marathon tomorrow)

I showered because I value cleanliness HAHA

I made my bed because I value order. 

I said a prayer because I value my relationship with my Heavenly Father. 

I ate a good breakfast because I value health and energy. 

I talked with my cousin because I value my relationships.

I read my scriptures because I value studying in faith and learning from the word of God. 

I studied Preach My Gospel because I value preparation (for serving a mission).

I went to my Portuguese class and participated fully (even said the prayer in portuguese) because I value learning.

I walked and talked with a classmate because I value the establishment of good friendships with God's children.

I practiced hymns because I value my church calling and doing well in it to better serve my fellowman.

I ate a healthy lunch because I value health and energy. 

I checked facebook briefly (30 min while eating) because I value staying in touch with friends and family.

I practiced viola because I value music and what is has done for my life. I want to share that with others. 

I went to the temple because I value keeping my covenants and promises to God. 

I made a carb-loaded dinner with my cousin because I value relationships, letting others help me, and preparation for the half-marathon. 

I wrote this blog because I value keeping a record, contemplating life deeply, and sharing my heart with others. 

And I went to bed REALLY early because I value sleep and invigorating my body for another day.

If you are struggling like I was, read this book! It will change your life!!

What is PASSION?

I had a really nice talk with my viola professor this week. She said that she was starting to see that maybe I was cut out for the music program after all.

I had met the challenges that she had given me at the beginning of the semester by showing I could play with musicality and improving my technique by practicing those lovely etudes. But, she said she needs to see one more thing. She needs to see that I wanted this badly. She needs to see that I WANT to practice. She needs to see me pushing 4 hours a day rather than 2. She needs to see that I am HUNGRY for everything about music. I picture something like this...

And this...

                                       

Definitely like this...

This one too.

So, I've been doing some soul searching...I've been asking myself questions like:

What is Passion?

Do I have passion for music?

Can passion be created?

How do I fuel my passion?

So I went to the internet for answers.

I've always been inspired by music and I've always wanted to give that opportunity to others.

Okay so, passion clearly isn't enough. Persistence is necessary.

My WHOLE heart??....that sounds scary... I'm not sure what it is but I feel like I've never really given my all to anything. I've studied hard but not with all my heart in case I still don't get the grade I want. I've practiced for hours on end, but I've never practiced until I got it right. I feel like I put my heart into the music frequently...I try to think about what the music means to me and I try to portray that. But have I ever put MY HEART into practicing?....To me, this means I would practice until I can play it perfectly or I collapse from fatigue and exhaustion...whatever comes first.

I want to be successful!!

Well, I don't really understand what it feels like to be drunk unless you count staying up  really late...I think this means that passion for something causes you to lose focus of everything else...

WOW! I think I want to put this one in my viola case. I am strong enough! I have the patience necessary! And I am passionate!..I just need to constantly remind myself of that.

Yikes. Death to the soul...not good.

Living your passion doesn't mean it will be easy!  No one ever said that if you have passion all things will come easily to you. I like the part "keep the child alive inside you" because when I was young I practically begged my mom to let me take piano lessons. I heard my sisters play and I WANTED to play like that. Thanks mom :)

"devours everything else"...so, nothing gets in the way of your passion.

HUNGER...it's a natural instinct because we can't survive without food. So whatever we have passion for should be something that we can't live without!

ahhhh...so maybe if I act like I have passion for music, then I will...kinda like the motto: fake it til you make it!

I was so excited this week when I performed for studio and they gave me positive feedback and also mostly because I felt good about the way I played. I literally felt passion pouring off of me, ringing out the f holes and reaching the audience. I felt like I put ME into the music and it felt good to share that with others. I couldn't help but be inspired by the music.

I've always had this dream of studying music and of where it would take me. And yet I'm the only one holding me back from my dream. Whether it's fear or lack of confidence it's gotta go.

:)

"Believe in something"...hmm....maybe, believe in my dream..."with such a passion"...so much that I can't think of anything else, that I hunger for it, that I act in whatever way necessary to obtain it...

That's really all I've ever wanted.

I've always enjoyed doing different things and felt like I couldn't decide what I really wanted to pursue, but looking back at all of those other things...music is the ONLY one I've stuck with. 

Music = my purpose. Well, duh! haha :)

I'd like to add, "and then reach for it". 

So in conclusion, I definitely think I have a ways to go in obtaining passion so powerful that I will WANT to practice and not want to stop practicing, that I will put my heart into every note. 

I think one thing that will help me grasp hold of that passion is to envision what I want, to allow my dreams  to take the front seat in my life. So, I'm going to try to put into words what I want and why I want it.

Okay, first things first. When I think of the thing I want most in my life, my answer never changes. There is nothing that will bring me as much happiness as...

What impact does that have on music or my career?

• I want to pursue a career that doesn't take me away from my family. I've always thought music education was great because while my family is growing (while I am pregnant and such) I can teach lessons from my home. I like this idea because I can help support my husband financially, share something I love, and fill my home with music. I wouldn't be where I am today without all of the teachers I have had in my life. Although, I want to be more than a private lesson teacher (I want to conduct an orchestra someday), I know it will bring me much joy.
• I want to teach my kids things like patience, persistence, confidence, PASSION, hard work, that they can do hard things, and the importance of stepping outside their comfort zone- all things I learned (or am still learning) from studying music.
• "For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads." D&C 25:12 -By teaching my children how to read notes and rhythms, I am giving them a means to bear their testimony and to better understand heavenly things. 
• I've always adored those families where every member plays some instrument and they get together and perform for different functions or just at random...MUSIC CONNECTS PEOPLE DEEPLY!

Okay, so here's my dream. Every part of it. Not holding back. 

I want to teach.

I want to learn everything I can about music.

I want to show kids that they can be anything they want to be if they put their heart into it.

I want to inspire.

I want to help kids understand the meaning behind great music and most importantly help them understand what it means to them. Songs like these that have taught me simple truths, that connect with me a little differently every time I hear them, and that to me define the word passion better than any words.

                             

I REALLY want to write music of my own one day and I feel like the only way I can really learn how to do that properly is to take theory and songwriting and dictation classes (which I want to take so BADLY)
Now for a silly dream, I want to sing my kids to sleep at night or play them a little lullaby on the viola while they are young.
I WANT to learn how I to improve my playing of the viola.
I WANT to be good.
I WANT to understand the viola.
I want to experience that satisfaction and JOY that comes from accomplishing something hard like learning a really difficult piece and performing it by memory.
I want to know the whys of music.
I want to perform with others. Ensemble work is the most beautiful thing. It's working together with people, connecting with people through music, and making something beautiful, something you couldn't have created alone.
I want to express myself through music.
Haha I want to make money doing what I love and enjoy!
I had AWFUL performance anxiety growing up...still do. All musicians do really. But I love that I've gotten so much stronger through diligence and God's mercy. I love that by learning to have confidence in my playing, I have learned to have confidence in other areas of my life. Music has changed me.
I also have this funny dream of writing technique books...discovering new ways to do things or just applying already existing methods.
I WANT TO HELP KIDS LIKE ME DISCOVER THEIR PASSION.
That way they can live a life worth living.
And they can find success.
And they will understand themselves better.

Okay, that's about it for now. But this soul-searching has really helped me. So what am I going to do??

TELL MYSELF I CAN

BE PERSISTENT

FAKE IT TIL I MAKE IT

BE CREATIVE

LOCK MYSELF IN THE PRACTICE ROOM...GOODBYE SUNLIGHT

PUT IN THE TIME

BE EXCITABLE

DECIDE THAT IT'S A LIFE OR DEATH MATTER

ENVISION MY FUTURE

GET HUNGRY

LET NOTHING GET IN THE WAY

JUST DO IT

PUT MYSELF INTO THE MUSIC

START TOMORROW

:)